If you had asked me 10 years ago what my life would look like now I would have told you that I would have a few children and a stable career. That my family is doing great and everyone is happy and thriving. It sounds simple enough, I didn't have outlandishly lofty ideas. I more or less just wanted a simple happy life.
I am not upset about where I am currently in life, but let me tell you it has been a wild ride to get to this point. But I do feel behind in many ways, two specifically stand out.
I have realized that I don't just want a stable job that pays the bills, I want a career that is fulfilling. Something I feel passionate about and actually enjoy.
Over the past few years God has shown me the things that are truly important and it makes it so much harder to set the important aside and devote my life to a company that I am ultimately disposable to.
I do feel behind in a career when I see so many people that are doing things that they love, things that fill their cup.
The second thing that I feel even more behind in is motherhood. In my plan I was going to have my first child at the age of 28. It sounded great in my head, I was going to get to enjoy some of my 20s and then get started on my family.
This did not go according to my plan, I experienced a few years of infertility. This was heartbreaking, I generally had always pictured myself as a mother. It felt like a knife to the chest, I will never forget the day when a doctor told me it would be next to impossible for me to have children.
Those clinical words aside and by the grace of God finally became pregnant at the age of 29, and I would be due just before my 30th birthday. This way incredible and not too far off of my original goal. I gave birth to my daughter a few months before my 30th birthday.
But my daughter was born silent and still. I held her till the warmth from my body was all that kept her warm. We had gone to the hospital as 3 and left as 2.
I was supposed to spend my 30th birthday sleep deprived with a newborn. I craved nothing more. Instead I spent my 30th crying out to the lord for my daughter. Curled in a ball on the floor yelling out for my baby. My world had completely stopped.
Of course it was not in my plan to lose my daughter, and now just over 3 years later she is a part of me and always will be. I see the constant reminders of the other children that were born around the time she was.
I can't help but feel behind in motherhood, missing out on all the experiences of her, her life and what my life would have been like with her still here.
I did question Gods plan and what my life was going to look like after being struck with such tragedy. But through it all I felt myself growing closer to God each day that I continued living.
I felt a need that could only be filled by Jesus. I was unmistakably human, and in need of a savior. Through losing my daughter I gained a stronger relationship with the Lord.
What I gained does not erase or replace the hurt of the loss, but rather I hold both close and dear to my heart. Jesus saved me and I know I will be reunited with my daughter one day.
My journey to motherhood is not the one I had in mind, but it is one of depth one that allows me to connect to other women and mothers.
I understand the insatiable desire of a child. I understand the world shattering pain of losing a child. Neither are things that I would want any woman to experience, but both instances are part of the human experience.
Through my grief God promised me parent hood, he gave me hope and that hope kept me going. Jesus kept me going.
God has since blessed me with a son and I can't help but thank him everyday for this beautiful life that I get to be a part of. It is such an incredible gift.
When I look back on my life thus far I see what God has done, I see the roots he cultivated in my life the roots that can reach others. The roots that would make way for the growth and the first time leaves burst through the soil basking in the sunlight.
Reflection
Many of us quietly carry a timeline for our lives. We imagine when healing should come, when prayers should be answered, when our purpose should finally become visible.
But God often grows His most beautiful work off the timeline we wrote for ourselves.
In hidden seasons, something sacred happens:
- Our identity detaches from outcomes.
- Our faith deepens beyond circumstances.
- Our roots grow stronger than the storms ahead.
The world celebrates visible blooming. God celebrates root systems.
Guided Journaling
- What timeline did you imagine your life following?
- Where has God's path looked different than what you expected?
- What parts of yourself might God be reshaping in this hidden season?
- If this season is forming roots, what kind of fruit might it eventually produce?
Prayer
"God, I release the timeline I created for my life. Grow what You desire in the hidden places of my heart."